Life...

Has been....different than I expected. You know that saying "when it rains, it pours"? Of course you do. And it's so true.

I feel like we've been swimming upstream to get to where we need to be. Like we are trying to catch up in a race, and everyone else got a headstart.

It's so frustrating and I lie awake at night and worry. I am a worrier, I know it. And then I berate myself because I know that worrying is not of God. And it's like this endless cycle of feeling bad and stressed out.

I KNOW that this is not forever. I know I wont FEEL like this forever and I know that life wont BE like this forever. So I'm holding on to that. And I'm trying not to think about the job I'm going to have to get or the bills we are going to have to pay or the new cars that we both need. I'm trying not to think about all the things that keep coming up and coming up and coming up, but that's exactly the nature of those things isn't it? They keep coming up and they wont let me forget about them.

And I find myself trying to organize every tiny detail of my life, because that's how I cope. Somehow my brain tells me that if I organize, then I can control. And we all know, that's not true. And really, the frantic list making and scheduling, besides helping me remember everything I would most likely forget, only proves to make me worry and stress more. But I can't stop, because like I said, I would forget everything I need to remember.

I'm just so sick of being stressed out. I want it to end. But this is life.