Darn it, darn it all to heck

I am AGGRAVATED!

I feel like LAUREN SMASH. Such a weird feeling. I feel like if someone looked at me wrong right now I might scream. Not necessarily *at* them but just a general, guttural scream of frustration.

I am in an incredible *mood* tonight. I know what is setting me off, I just don't know why it's effecting me so deeply.

I've been going through these up and down swings of, I don't know, self-esteem maybe? I kind of feel used, which is something I've never really felt before. And I'm longing for something *real*.

This past weekend I worked a women's conference at the church and I got to attend most of the sessions. And ya know, it was really good and the main part I got out of it was something I needed to hear: you could have been born at any time, yet God chose for you to be born when and where you are. And all this made me feel awesome, like "I have a purpose!" and then I was all, "what the heck is my purpose?!"

It's something I had already been struggling with lately since I turned 23. I know I posted about it before but I really just thought my life would be different now. Like, MORE, I guess. I thought I would be important and I don't feel important. I thought I would be special and smart and I don't feel those things either.

I feel lost and like I'm still looking for "me." And I'm upset because I have (or I had) higher standards for myself and my standards say it's unacceptable for me to still not know who I am. Or what I want. Or what I even like.

And I feel like I'm making strides. And I'm trying to take steps in the right direction. Not just "step"-steps but actual meaningful and thought-out steps. And yet I still feel like for every step I take forward, I have to take two steps back for damage control.

So I'm frustrated. And I'm angry at the world. Like a child, I'm angry at the world for not giving me what I want. For not being what I expected. And I'm angry at myself for being childishly angry at the world. And I'm angry at myself for not pushing myself and making this life what I wanted it to be. I'm just so ANGRY.

And I'm lonely. And I'm sad. And I'm looking for someone to talk to and no one is there.

And I'll probably feel better in the morning. And foolish for posting this.