Imagination gone

I find myself sitting here, again, not being able to think of anything to write about. It's frustrating not only because I want to write just to unclog my brain, but also because I just find the typing so relaxing.

I have tried to pick up journaling again as well. Ever since I really got into blogging I haven't really kept a journal. It's just so much easier to type than to handwrite things. Well, that and the fact that I have always seemed to journal about boy troubles and now that I've settled down with a man, I don't have any teen angst to spout. However, I have tried to pick it up again. There are just some things that are better left off the internet. And I need somewhere to spill due to my lack of girlfriends at the moment.

I don't know WHY I seem to be in this constant state of writers block lately. My suspecions remain that it has something to do with the fact that a majorty of my life is eventless. Not that I necessarily want to write about life events (I am currently put of by "my day" type postings), I just find that when things are happening to and around me they give me more ideas for creativity. Of course, I can make the argument, even to myself, that sitting here all day with nothing to do would be a good time to let my imagination roam! Yet, when I go looking for my imagination, it seems to escape me. Have I lost my imagination, internet? I was warned once that it could happen, but I never though it could happen to me! How could it when my imagination was a wild thing with no abandon. I know that part of it left when my confidence was stolen. But I still feel like I could get that part back.

Now, I feel like I should take some of that back. I do still have my imiganation. It's there, it's just elusive. I use it to narrate my life in my head and to imagine all sorts of things. I just don't seem to be able to use it to write. It is selective. And it's maddening.

I'm still constantly writing down book and blog ideas in my phone but when I actually have a chance to write? Either I'm not in the mood to write about those things or they reveal themselves to be altogether lame. Are all my ideas doomed to be lame or have I not hit the vein of gold I'm so desperately searching for?

While at my inlaws this weekend I decided to watch Twilight in leiu of the football the guys were watching. (Have I mentioned that I DETEST football?) I haven't seen the movie since it came out in theatres (O can I even describe how disappointed I was in this cinimatic disaster?) so I decided to give it another chance since I haven't read the book recently, making it less fresh in my mind and, hopefully, making the movie less disappointing. That and the fact that I DO want to see New Moon despite my doubts finally led me to pop in the DVD and settle down to watch. It wasn't as bad as the first time but it still wasn't great. My mother in law and I ended up watching the "behind the scenes" stuff on the bonus disk and I found that more interesting than the movie; a first for me. All I remember thinking is "if this lady can write a book, I can too." It gave me hope until I was hit full on in the stomach with the realization that I STILL DON'T HAVE AN IDEA. People say that getting your book published is hard but I think I'm going to have it even harder if I don't come up with something to actually write about. Sigh.

I'm starting to have a hard time understanding why I want to be a writer so bad if I don't have anything to write about. In my head I picture writers more as people who have too much to write about than too little. I'm not exactly sure that it is a good sign that I don't seem to have any inspiration. So why the heck do I want to be a writer so bad? Is it just because I love to read? Is it beause I can't act or sing so I don't know how else to leave my mark on the world? Ugh who knows? I think that I just want to have something that is mine. Characters who are mine. A story that is mine.

But I also don't want it to be average. So much of what I read and see is average. I want it to be great! I want it to be the type of book like I love: the ones that make you want to be in them. The ones where the characters become real to you and you look for them in public because you just know they've got to be out there. I guess that's why I can't write yet. I haven't met those characters yet. I know I have to meet them before I can start introducing them at parties. Their world has to be somewhere I visit before I can bring my friends. I have to believe in the story myself before I try to convince others that it's real.

So I might not always have fodder for my blog. I guess I'll just have to keep hunting, searching, for the story that is to be mine. And maybe writing that story will catalyst me into writing better blogs, though I'm really trying to do just the opposite. I just hope that if I keep writing, even if it's about nothing, that maybe one day out from my fingers will flow just what I've been looking for. So here I go, back to the drawing board, back to practicing.