Until Next Year...

Anything I feel like posting right now sounds negative and whiney. So I'm just going to say a "Merry Christmas!" and a "Happy New Year!" and leave it at that until next year.

Love you all! <3

Just Call Me Mr. Grinch

I must say, this Christmas season has been less than jolly for me. Whereas I am looking foward to time spent with family, I am just as eagerly anxious for it to all just be over.

Maybe it would make a difference if our finances were in a different place, maybe not. It doesn't feel like Christmas, and I don't feel very Christmas-spirity.

As we've talked about (and I've thought a lot about) having children, this Christmas has been making me think a lot about how we want to raise our children. It's sad to me (an I admit to doing it as a child) that Christmas has become such a commercialized greed-fest. I don't think that I want to go so far as to not do presents with our children, but I do think I definitely want to focus more on the family and giving aspects of the season rather than the "gimme, gimme, GIMME!" that nearly makes me sick. I already know that I don't want a bunch of plastic, noisy crap littering our home just because we have kids. Part of that is because I don't like random crap everywhere, part of it is because I don't want our kids always after toys and the latest "thing" and part of it is because I'm hoping that our kids will have an IMAGINATION. I want them to play outside and read and make forts.

So Merry Christmas. I'm sorry I'm not in a better mood about it. I really am.

#8- Establish a Yearly Christmas Letter

So I did this. Ya, it's not super fancy and no one is probably going to flip out over my Christmas letter, but I set out to do this this year, and I did.

Maybe next year will be better.

Actually, it has been insanely hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit this year. (Kind of like last year.) I think I'm just really becoming disillusioned with Christmas. I mean, I still see value in the birth of Jesus, obviously, but the rest of it just seems like a huge money-sucking, stress-inducing waste of time to me. Sorry. Maybe I would feel better if there was snow. Or I was gonna see my family. Or we had two dimes to rub together.

Anyway, the Christmas Letter is established. Onward!

I like...

...mail and the library.

A lot.

#44 Read the Clock Without a Face

Did it! Actually read it out loud to Trey which, for me, is a feat of it's own. (I hate reading out loud). If you don't know what this book is you can check it out here or here, which is where I first heard about it.

Love. I must write a book like this.

Writers Itch

Around this time last year I had a really strong urge to write things. Poems, stories, a novel, anything really. Then for a long time I didn't have much of a desire to write at all.

I don't know if it was because I went back to look at some of the things I wrote, or because I've been reading poetry lately, or just because it's that time of year again, but the itch is back. The problem is, I just don't know where to begin. So maybe some writing will show up on this blog in the near future. And maybe not. I'm just here to give the heads up;)

Grocery Shopping Tips

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. As I was coming home I thought it might be fun to do a post about how I make grocery shopping a little easier for me. So for anyone who cares:

My Grocery Shopping Tips:

1. We keep a magnetic list on the fridge that can be added to whenever we see or think of something we need.

2. Every other week I make meal plans for the next two weeks (I like to only go grocery shopping every other week). Then I go through the plans and add all the ingredients I need to the list.

3. I keep a small notebook so that I can organize my list more effectively. Instead of running all over the store with the list from the fridge, I use the notebook to put the items on my list order of the store sections I know them to be in.

4. I go through my coupons and select the ones I need for that week and put them in a pocket in the little notebook so they are easy to access at the store.

5. Once I get to the store, I start at the back and work my way to the front.

6. Once I have all my items I go to the checkout. I organize my items on the checkout belt as well. I put frozen stuff together, cold stuff, dry goods ext. This makes it easier to unpack once I get home.

7. I bring reusable bags. Not so much because I am all "green" and whatnot, but mostly because more food can fit in each bag and the handles are longer, making the bags easier to carry and allowing me to take fewer trips.

In the past I have hated grocery shopping. Now that I am enjoying cooking so much I hate it less but I still want it to be as painless as possible. So, as with a lot of things I do, I prepare so I can make things easier for me in the long run:)

#12 Find a Pen Pal

Well, last night I received my first letter from my pen pal. And today I sent my first letter to her. I don't know what is going to happen from here but I really hope it works out:)

So #12, Check.

Obviously I'm on a poem kick. Another from Anne of Green Gables. I've got imagination and bosom friends on the mind...

The Lady of Shalott
Alfred Lord Tennyson

Part I

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road runs by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Thro' the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four gray walls, and four gray towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil'd,
Slide the heavy barges trail'd
By slow horses; and unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early
In among the bearded barley,
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly,
Down to tower'd Camelot:
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers " 'Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott."

Part II

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving thro' a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot:
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village-churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls,
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd-lad,
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad,
Goes by to tower'd Camelot;
And sometimes thro' the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often thro' the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot:
Or when the moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed:
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shalott.

Part III

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley-sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armour rung,
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, trailing light,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flash'd into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces thro' the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

Part IV

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining,
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance--
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right--
The leaves upon her falling light--
Thro' the noises of the night
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darken'd wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and burgher, lord and dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? and what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they cross'd themselves for fear,
All the knights at Camelot:
But Lancelot mused a little space;
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

#34 Sew Something and Actually Wear It

Ok so it's not the best picture of the actual clothing item since I was really taking a picture of my hair...

...but I made the skirt I'm wearing in this picture. I made it out of Ikea fabric that I've had lying around waiting to be sewn forever. I finally got fed up with my lack of skirts to wear this fall (I'm going through a hating pants phase) and so I finally sucked it up and made one. It was really pretty easy so I'll probably be making some more:)

Check

The Walrus and the Carpenter

Another great. I'm in a poetry mood tonight.

The Walrus and the Carpenter by Lewis Carroll

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

The Highwayman

Ever since I heard this poem on Anne of Green Gables I loved it. Then I tried to use it when we had to recite a poem in english class when I was in school. I could never find it back then so I used a different poem. Something about tonight made me want to look it up and I found it:) And actually, I just read it in its entirity for the first time and it's a bit...rough? But I'm still leaving it up cuz of my Anne love lol.

The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes

The wind was a torrent of darkness upon the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight looping the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding—
Riding—riding—
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door.

He'd a French cocked hat on his forehead, and a bunch of lace at his chin;
He'd a coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of fine doe-skin.
They fitted with never a wrinkle; his boots were up to his thigh!
And he rode with a jeweled twinkle—
His rapier hilt a-twinkle—
His pistol butts a-twinkle, under the jeweled sky.

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
He tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred,
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter—
Bess, the landlord's daughter—
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

Dark in the dark old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
Where Tim, the ostler listened—his face was white and peaked—
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
But he loved the landlord's daughter—
The landlord's black-eyed daughter;
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say:

"One kiss, my bonny sweetheart; I'm after a prize tonight,
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light.
Yet if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
Then look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

He stood upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair in the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the sweet black waves of perfume came tumbling o'er his breast,
Then he kissed its waves in the moonlight
O sweet black waves in the moonlight!,
And he tugged at his reins in the moonlight, and galloped away to the west.

He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon.
And out of the tawny sunset, before the rise of the moon,
When the road was a gypsy's ribbon over the purple moor,
The redcoat troops came marching—
Marching—marching—
King George's men came marching, up to the old inn-door.

They said no word to the landlord; they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed.
Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets by their side;
There was Death at every window,
And Hell at one dark window,
For Bess could see, through her casement, the road that he would ride.

They had bound her up at attention, with many a sniggering jest!
They had bound a musket beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
"Now keep good watch!" and they kissed her. She heard the dead man say,
"Look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though Hell should bar the way."

She twisted her hands behind her, but all the knots held good!
She writhed her hands till her fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like years,
Till, on the stroke of midnight,
Cold on the stroke of midnight,
The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

The tip of one finger touched it, she strove no more for the rest;
Up, she stood up at attention, with the barrel beneath her breast.
She would not risk their hearing, she would not strive again,
For the road lay bare in the moonlight,
Blank and bare in the moonlight,
And the blood in her veins, in the moonlight, throbbed to her love's refrain.

Tlot tlot, tlot tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hooves, ringing clear;

Tlot tlot, tlot tlot, in the distance! Were they deaf that they did not hear?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
The highwayman came riding—
Riding—riding—
The redcoats looked to their priming! She stood up straight and still.

Tlot tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot tlot, in the echoing night!
Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
Her eyes grew wide for a moment, she drew one last deep breath,
Then her finger moved in the moonlight—
Her musket shattered the moonlight—
Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him—with her death.

He turned, he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood
Bowed, with her head o'er the musket, drenched with her own red blood!
Not till the dawn did he hear it, and his face grew grey to hear
How Bess, the landlord's daughter,
The landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
Blood-red were his spurs in the golden noon, wine-red was his velvet coat
When they shot him down in the highway,
Down like a dog in the highway,
And he lay in his blood in the highway, with the bunch of lace at his throat.

And still on a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a gypsy's ribbon looping the purple moor,
The highwayman comes riding—
Riding—riding—
The highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard,
He taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred,
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter—
Bess, the landlord's daughter—
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

Another

I actually have like 8 more of these stored in my drafts folder. Told ya I'm obsessed lately. I get on these kicks where I obsess over a certain thing and...ya...

Image via http://melly-wood.blogspot.com/

What I Wanna Be When I Grow Up

Private Eye

Mother

Gardner

Fashion Designer

Therapist

Pianist

Photographer

Magazine Writer

Author

Chef

Ballerina

Tina Fey

Photographer: Image via here

Magazine writer: Image via here

Chef: Image via here

Ballerina: Image via here

Pianist: Image via here

Gardner: Image via here

Mother: Image via here

Private Eye: Image via here

Fashion Designer: Image via here

For Fun

Well...it didn't come out as well as I had hoped...but this is my first color pallet! I've been obsessed with doing this for some reason. Also, I don't know why it's tiny so click for a larger image:)

Image via wildflowersphotos.com

People I'd like to meet

Tina Fey

Martha Stewart

J K Rowling

Demi Lovato

Tape

Tonight I drove by, what looked like, tape pulled out of a video tape strewn along the side of the road. It glittered in the streetlight and it caught me off guard. For some reason that sparkle of tape reminded me of the sparkle of snow on the side of the road. And that memory made me homesick. It made me long for the snow in the moonlight and the crisp air of a Colorado winter. For the blue skies and your breath catching in your throat. But more than anything it made me miss my family.

I've never been one to be really homesick, but the older I get, the better my relationship with my family gets and the more I miss them.

The holiday season is approaching like a freight train and I wish I could see them. I love my in-laws to death and I am so blessed to get to live close to them. But sometimes I wonder if I underestimated the cost of living so far from my parents.

If you live close to all of your family, know how blessed you are. I'm jealous of you.

Can you believe it's almost November? Where did this year go?! It seems like hardly any time at all since I was making my grand plans for 2010, and now I'm gearing up for 2011.

I'm really thinking *this* year is gonna be an awesome year. 2010 was hard, it was painful. I'm just really looking forward to picking myself up, dustin' off and making some progress this year. I'm looking forward to moving forward instead of sliding backwards and grasping at straws, like this year felt a lot of the time.

But if I've learned anything this past year, it's to let life do what it does. I can make all the plans I want and still at this time next year, life is going to look nothing like I imagine. That's just the way of it.

"Live like you're going to die tomorrow, plan like you're going to live forever."

#94--Make a Pie from Scratch

Ok so pretty much since I saw this video when I was little:

...I have been intrigued by the idea of making a pie from scratch. It's funny to think that something that used to be the norm fascinated me so much. Haha.

Then, a couple of months ago I went to Utah to visit my parents. There had been this restaurant I used to work at that had the best homemade pies and I was so looking forward to having some pie. There are just not that many places that sell pie, you know? Unfortunately the place was closed down so my pie dreams were dashed. That's when I decided to add "make a pie from scratch" to my life list. And last night, 3 months later, I finally did it and satisfied my pie craving!

Mixing the pie dough

Most of the recipes I found had you making the filling from scratch and then using store bought, pre-made, dough. But that's not the way I wanted to do it. I also wanted to make my own pie dough. After searching the internet for a while I decided to see what Martha had to offer. (Thanks to the free subscription I got to Martha Stewart Living I'm now obsessed with Martha haha). So I found this recipe for apple pie and this recipe for pie dough and went from there.

Dough to be cooled in fridge

Pie filling!

All ready to pop in the oven

Fresh out and piping hot

Yum yum yum

I was kind of nervous about making it because so often things I plan to do don't turn out like I thought. I was afraid the pie would explode or sink or SOMETHING. But it turned out amazing! It was actually a lot more time consuming than I thought but it was fun and I was super excited about it. I will definitely be making this again. Probably for Thanksgiving!

#10--Get a professional massage

Wow, I actually did this on Saturday, the 16th but, in the meantime, we've been moving and it's been crazy.

So my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law and I went out to lunch and then to the spa for our birthdays. It was awesome and I really enjoyed the massage. But most of all I enjoyed the family time:)

I didn't take any pictures cuz..hello? That would be weird. Plus...my cameras were still packed. So....suffice to say CHECK! I'm pretty happy about it too.

The life list is going pretty well this year lol. I'm also pretty excited because after what feels like SCOURING the internet, I finally found a site to post an ad for a pen pal! And I also wrote to some people on the site, so I'm hoping that I can cross off #12 sometime in the near future! I think this is the life list item I am most excited about right now:)

Last but not least: meet Sally Squirrel!

O hai Sally Squirrel

Ya I know she looks nothing like a squirrel. And ya this is a terrible picture. I unpacked my cameras but I decided to go the lazy-cellphone-picture route.

I've had her since I was three. She actually used to have fur but it's long since rubbed off. I have no idea how I still have her or how I got her back from wherever she was hiding for several years. But whatever. She's been on a couple of mission trips with me now and, although I never took any pictures with her before, I've decided to start including her in some of my pictures, especially life list posts. Sooooo...welcome to the blog Sally Squirrel:)

Tip of the Day

When one day is all "exclamation points!!!!" and the next is all "CAPITAL LETTERS," take a benedryl and go to bed early.

Darn it, darn it all to heck

I am AGGRAVATED!

I feel like LAUREN SMASH. Such a weird feeling. I feel like if someone looked at me wrong right now I might scream. Not necessarily *at* them but just a general, guttural scream of frustration.

I am in an incredible *mood* tonight. I know what is setting me off, I just don't know why it's effecting me so deeply.

I've been going through these up and down swings of, I don't know, self-esteem maybe? I kind of feel used, which is something I've never really felt before. And I'm longing for something *real*.

This past weekend I worked a women's conference at the church and I got to attend most of the sessions. And ya know, it was really good and the main part I got out of it was something I needed to hear: you could have been born at any time, yet God chose for you to be born when and where you are. And all this made me feel awesome, like "I have a purpose!" and then I was all, "what the heck is my purpose?!"

It's something I had already been struggling with lately since I turned 23. I know I posted about it before but I really just thought my life would be different now. Like, MORE, I guess. I thought I would be important and I don't feel important. I thought I would be special and smart and I don't feel those things either.

I feel lost and like I'm still looking for "me." And I'm upset because I have (or I had) higher standards for myself and my standards say it's unacceptable for me to still not know who I am. Or what I want. Or what I even like.

And I feel like I'm making strides. And I'm trying to take steps in the right direction. Not just "step"-steps but actual meaningful and thought-out steps. And yet I still feel like for every step I take forward, I have to take two steps back for damage control.

So I'm frustrated. And I'm angry at the world. Like a child, I'm angry at the world for not giving me what I want. For not being what I expected. And I'm angry at myself for being childishly angry at the world. And I'm angry at myself for not pushing myself and making this life what I wanted it to be. I'm just so ANGRY.

And I'm lonely. And I'm sad. And I'm looking for someone to talk to and no one is there.

And I'll probably feel better in the morning. And foolish for posting this.

#103 Go on a hayride to a pumpkin patch

Trey with his pumpkin

aaannnddd...with another pumpkin

The farm had the most beautiful sunset.

Me and Trey

It's blurry cuz we were moving


Check!

This month is being a good life-list month for me.

Yesterday Trey and I went to a pumpkin patch with some friends. It was totally fun. I was really afraid that this item on my list wouldn't live up to my expectations. You know how that sometimes happens? So I was really trying not to get my hopes up too much, but it ended up being really fun! We got to go on a hayride, see some animals, pick out pumpkins and go through a corn maze.

Overall I really enjoyed it, although the best part was probably just being outside and getting to spend some time with my husband and some friends!

The view looking up from the hayride

Hayride!!

Punkins

Baby cow wants some MILK

Tip of the Day

Try plucking your eyebrows in the car (during the day)(not while you're driving)(duh). It makes a big difference.

Tip of the Day

Laugh lines are the trophies of a life well lived. Never back down from a good laugh.

#102? I'm saying CHECK

In a semi-effort to start #102 on my life list, as well as just for my own random pleasure, I thought it would be fun to start leaving random little things around in random places.

So today I got some paper and my gluestick (I wasn't kidding about that tip of the day) and made a little mini-book. And I wrote in it and drew (drawled) in it and now I'm just looking for a place to put it. I got like the hugest kick out of it ever so I'll probably do this again.

It also gets me super depressed to think about it getting thrown away so I made a duplicate and stuck it in my journal lol. Because I am awesome. The only thing left to decide is if I should try and track it somehow a la Operation Beautiful or something like that. Eh, maybe not.

I wish someone was leaving me random cute things to find in random places. I think I might be a hero.

Tip of the Day

Always have your gluestick with you. You never know what you might need to glue.

Tip of the Day

Don't continue to open up to someone who wont open up to you.

They obviously don't want the same kind of relationship with you as you want with them.

Stuck

I feel trapped.

I feel like there is some opportunity that I am missing out on. My internal environment is all in turmoil right now. I am just so FRUSTRATED and not completely sure why.

I feel like a bomb about to go off.

I guess that, for me, moving has always been the start of a NEW adventure. I've never moved back to anywhere before. And as much as I wanted to move back to Birmingham and I missed Birminham and I love Birmingham, it's like it goes against my nature to move back to Birmingham. Where is my NEW adventure? Can I find it in a place I've been already? It doesn't help that I have also, basically, lived here for four years now and my internal-time-clock is saying "it's time to move!" Old habits die hard.

You know, I think I watch too much TV and too many movies. Because my life never seems exciting enough. And lets be real, who's life is as exciting as TV? Even reality shows aren't reality. (And who wants the reality show brand of "exciting" anyway? ew.)

I want grand gestures! and great adventures! and to never work! Haha.

I hate Tuesdays.

Celebrate!

I think October is my FAAAVOORITE month. It has finally started to cool down a bit (knock on wood), the leaves will be falling soon and it all just makes me feel like it's FALL! my favorite time of year.

Yesterday I celebrated with some more fall-y jams and my {current} obsession:

Iced sugar cookie from Edgars! Plus...it is (was) a pumpkin! Hello! FALL!!!

Fall just gets me all pumped up for new adventures for some reason. And I also feel like it gets my creative juices a-flowin. Now if I just had some space...

Regardless, I see big things on the horizon and I feel like I've been walking around with and extra bounce in my step. Maybe this year can be salvaged yet!

Expectations

Can I just say, 2010 did NOT exactly go according to plan. Ya ya, I know, 2010 is not over yet. But hey, I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say that my expectations for an entire year are not going to come to frutation in the next three months.

Last winter I thought 2010 was going to be MY YEAR! It was going to be the best YEAR 4EVER YAY! Not to say that it was *all* bad, but ya...it was pretty rough.

I try not to look at things as failures. Instead, I try to see things as learning experiences and times of growth. That being said, I hope I grew a TON this year. Haha.

I was looking back at some of my old blog posts and thinking about all that I was going through at the time and all the things I was hoping to get out of this year. And you know what? Most of what I wanted to get accomplished did not get accomplished. And the dreams I had got put on hold and this year was a lot of heartache and pain. But I'm still glad I'm not where I was last year. I guess I'd say I'd rather be here than there. So I'd call that progress. And hey! there's always next year!

Come on 2011!

Yes, Jesus Loves Me

I am sitting in the cafe alone. It's been a quiet day and I've enjoyed the peace. I think I am really starting to enjoy mornings.

Behind me is a small group of mothers with their young children. A minute ago they started singing "Yes, Jesus Loves Me." It seemed like everything got quiet but the voices of the mother's teaching their babies that old, simple song.

I closed my eyes and listened to them for a minute. "Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so..."

It made me want to cry. Why can't I feel like things are that simple? Life gets complicated as we get older but I'm just so sick of feeling so stressed out and like everything is a big deal.

I'm thinking I need to get up earlier in the mornings more often. I need more of those quiet moments alone that seem to help me re-align.

Of course, now the mothers are singing some loud clapp-y song and I'm feeling so glad we decided to put of having babies for a while longer haha...

Life...

Has been....different than I expected. You know that saying "when it rains, it pours"? Of course you do. And it's so true.

I feel like we've been swimming upstream to get to where we need to be. Like we are trying to catch up in a race, and everyone else got a headstart.

It's so frustrating and I lie awake at night and worry. I am a worrier, I know it. And then I berate myself because I know that worrying is not of God. And it's like this endless cycle of feeling bad and stressed out.

I KNOW that this is not forever. I know I wont FEEL like this forever and I know that life wont BE like this forever. So I'm holding on to that. And I'm trying not to think about the job I'm going to have to get or the bills we are going to have to pay or the new cars that we both need. I'm trying not to think about all the things that keep coming up and coming up and coming up, but that's exactly the nature of those things isn't it? They keep coming up and they wont let me forget about them.

And I find myself trying to organize every tiny detail of my life, because that's how I cope. Somehow my brain tells me that if I organize, then I can control. And we all know, that's not true. And really, the frantic list making and scheduling, besides helping me remember everything I would most likely forget, only proves to make me worry and stress more. But I can't stop, because like I said, I would forget everything I need to remember.

I'm just so sick of being stressed out. I want it to end. But this is life.

Back

Well, I'm back. In a lot of ways.

I haven't wanted to write. These last few months have been...different...and I didn't want to write about it, couldn't write about it, shouldn't have been writing about it.

So, we've moved back to Alabama. It's been a really fast/abrupt/amazing decision and it's really good to be home. It's also really weird to be home. It's not like moving back was the easy option, but it was necessary and it was the best option, for sure.

But you know what? I think I thought I was coming back to my old life. And I didn't come back to my old life. I came back to a new life in my old town. So I'm still adjusting. And it hasn't even been a week yet so I think I'm allowed to cut myself some slack.

So I thought it was time to pick up the ol' blog, dust it off, and start anew. This move feels like a fresh start to me. I know I said last year that fall always feels like the beginning of a new year to me. So that, combined with the move, makes this whole time just seem like a whole new start for me. I'm excited/scared/stressed/relieved/hopeful about the whole thing. We definitely had to make some sacrafices but I know that we are in a good place and, more importantly, in a God place.

So hopefully I'll be around the blog more. I'm still trying to get settled and get things figured out but this is like my version of "Hey, I'm back."

Ta

#82-- Learn to love heels

Ok, apparently when I added this item to my life list I neglected to observe the cardinal rule for writing goals: They have to be measurable.

How, exactly, do you measure whether or not I have achieved the goal of "learning to love heels?" The only basis I have to go on is that I now FEEL that I have accomplished this goal: I wear heels nearly everyday and have been loving doing it. The only issue now is that I feel I MUST add more to my wardrobe. Haha.

So, short post: check, #82: check.

Peace

Update

Not much has been going on down here in Thomason-land. I kind of feel like everything is just holding its breath until we actually HAVE INTERNS. Ya, that will make a big difference.

The homesickness has subsided, a bit. BUT, we're trying to plan a trip to visit family and I'm not sure if that will make things better or worse. Not that I don't want to go, I just don't know how I'll feel when I get back.

The baby bug has bit me a little again. I'm not really saying much to Trey about it or even doing anything at all. I know the timing isn't great so I'm just waiting. But as soon as he says it's time...I'm there!

The time seems to be going by fast and slow at the same time. Sometimes we get to the weekend and it seems like time has flown so fast.

I have been spending my days in Trey's office, on my computer, just working on stuff for 24/7. I have my own cubical with a computer and everything but I have spent next to no time in there. I'm sure I will move in there eventually but, for now, it is just easier to stay with Trey. And I HAVE been getting a lot of work done so I don't feel too bad about it:).

We love our townhouse. Well, everything but the screaming dryer and the lack of garbage disposal. Still, perspective? we're doing ok. The original plan was to only be in this house for a few months and then look for a new place, as the owner is trying to sell it. BUT, last week she said we could stay there as long as we like. So we still might be moving sometime but at least there is no pressure for a while.

I can't think of much else. That's our short update for now!

Scrambled

It's been a bit of a rough week for me. I'm not sure if I HAVE too much going on, or if I'm making too much for myself to do. Or both. Or neither.

For example: I just got done organizing my craft bookmarks (pretty sure I had like...a thousand). It took forever and it was something I felt like I needed to do. And maybe I did. Or maybe it is just something stupid that I wanted to do instead of doing something important.

But you know, on the other hand, there are just some little "stupid" things that you have to do sometimes. And crafting is a hobby for me and being organized is a need for me. So I'm gonna take this as a win.

It's just that I look at my lists and, instead of shrinking, they seem to grow. Every time I cross something off I feel like I add two more things. It's the list equivalent of taking one step forward and two steps back. And to top off the stress I get from these lists, I lie awake at night thinking about money we don't have, being homesick, and wondering when I'm ever going to see my family again (it's been over a year: unacceptable.) This whole adjustment thing for me has been harder than I thought at first. Part of the problem is it is more of an ever present and dull ache than a quick and over pain.

I've been trying to get things in order and I just feel like I'm running all over the place and not getting anything done. I feel so scrambled and my brain is becoming ADD and not allowing me to think about any one thing for a period of time.

Last week at the conference was so good, and I really want to write about that, but I cant pull my thoughts together enough to form words. I really don't handle stress well do I? No, no I don't.

Sew

Internal Zipper Pocket
Invisible zipper

Again for the lack of blogging...

...I apologize. I have blogs I want to write (read: move, crazy movers, this new life I'm living) but time, and lack of internet at home (currently) oh, and unpacking, are hindering me. Soooo....I thought I would write something I've been meaning to write since...January...

Church of the Highlands (my now old church) did a series in January about doing 5 things everyday to achieve your goals. If you interested in hearing more you can view the series here.

So, after many months, and much hemming and hawing, I have FINALLY narrowed mine down:

1. Make time for my Number 1
2. Take care of my temple
3. Be a good steward
4. Keep the romance alive
5. Overcome my inhibitions

I don't know why it was so hard for me to come up with these. I guess a lot of it had to do with the fact that I am 1.) indecisive and 2.) interested in just doing too much. I realized that I was putting things on my list that I already did without thinking and, subsequently, decided I needed to fill it with things I wouldn't do naturally: Things I needed to remind myself to do. And hopefully, the more I do them, the more they will become habits and I wont need a list to remind me to do "my 5."

More for me than anything else, I want to expound a little on each of my five:

1. Number one is all about making time for God: my Number One. I think that making time to read His word and to talk to Him is more important than anything else...and something I struggle with. Sometimes it's hard for me to make God my priority and I take my relationship for granted. I say to myself "God's still going to be there for me even if I do (insert some random task(usually sleep some more)) instead of read my Bible this morning." And that's true, He will still be there for me, but what kind of friend am I being if I don't make any time for Him? And how can I have a healthy relationship with Him if I never talk to him? Ya....exactly. (BTW, I'm not saying I don't talk to God, I do. I'm just saying I haven't made my time with Him enough of a priority lately.)

2.) Number 2 is something that's important to me. It's something I talk about and think about and plan for, and then never do. Taking care of my temple, to me, means a lot of things. It means exercising and watching what I eat and taking my vitamins. I want for my body to be a tool that I can use instead of something that holds me back by being too tired or too unhealthy.

3.) Number 3 encompasses several things. I had tried putting them all on the list until I realized that all these little "things" I wanted to do really were in the same vein of wanting to take care of what I have. Being a good steward, to me, means being frugal with our money. It means taking care of our things and being organized. Organization is something that is important to me and helps me get done the things I need to get done. For some reason, the things on my "5" are all things that are important to me but I never seem to do. I guess that's the point?

4.) Number 4 is all about my Number 2. God is my Number 1, Trey is my Number 2. Trey is the most important person on this planet to me and I know I have a huge responsibility when it comes to our marriage. Especially now that Trey is going to be in full-time ministry, I know that one of my big roles is supporting him. Not that that wasn't one of my roles before, it just seems even more important now for some reason. I want to be the very best wife to Trey that I can be and "Keeping the romance alive" means more than just "romance" if that makes sense. It means romantic things, like keeping it fresh and taking time to spend together, but it also means being there for Trey whatever he needs and being a good "life partner."

5.) When I had the first 4 done I had a lot of trouble coming up with number 5. I thought about lots of different things and I thought about my goals. My goals have changed a lot with this move and new situation and I knew that there were things I was going to need to change. Somewhere in the past few years I have become a totally different person than I was before. A few years ago I was outgoing and uninhibited. And lately, I've noticed that I'm...shy? SHY! What am I supposed to do being shy in a place and role that requires me to meet new people and set an example? So I decided to add it to my list and do something about it. They say practice makes perfect so I'm hoping that by "practicing" I can overcome this roadblock and get it off my list!

So there ya go. Or there I go. Time to get to work. I know I'm a bit late (January to April anyone?) but better late than never right? Exactly.

A Cry for Help

Let me tell you...this past week has been fraught with problems. It seems that everything that could go wrong, has:

Our movers have deceived us over and over again and have YET to deliver our stuff. Trey was given a bad check for some work he did which left us in a very bad place, especially considering the move and our trips back and forth to Alabama. I have been sick almost everyday and have had a mouth ulcer that is driving me insane (of course, those last two are probably more a result of the stress but they're not helping). Our house and storage needs to be cleaned out. And I just don't seem to have enough time to get everything that NEEDS to be done, done. Much less the things I had wanted to do.

And on top of those big ones, there have been countless little stresses that are, piled on the foundation of my big stressers, enough to push me over the edge. I'm so much of a mess right now that I feel like I can barely function. Poor Trey has taken the brunt of a lot of my stress.

I feel horrible, I've acted horrible. And those horrible things have left me feeling MORE horrible. It's an endless cycle of horrible that I just want to run to my bed to escape. And then I remember that I don't *have* a bed right now.

I want to cry, but every time I feel the tears someone else walks up to talk to me and I blink them away. I want to scream, but I know it's time for me to act like an adult. I want to stay in bed all day and wish the world would disappear, but there are things that need doing and people that need seeing and I must get up. I want to go away and take a vacation, but we just started a new job. I want my mom, but she's across the country.

Regardless, I have found that I have actually warmed up to North Carolina much more, and much sooner, than I expected. I know that God has a purpose and I DO trust him. I am desperately trying to focus on the things that are going well instead of focusing on the (seemingly countless) things that are going wrong. It's so hard and I just keep telling myself that this has to be satan. And then I tell myself that if satan is attacking this hard, the things we are meant to do in NC must be going to be really awesome.

I cling to the promises that God will provide for us and that he has a purpose and a plan. The doubts and worries seem to come so naturally to me and I'm so exhausted from fighting them off, and suppressing my feelings about the move, and trying to support Trey, and planning for 24/7, and taking care of things from the move (on the side we left as well as the side we're entering), and trying not to let people down, and trying not to fall apart when people seem to keep letting us down and on and on and on. I'm so exhausted, in fact, that I can't hardly sleep. And I have no idea how I'm going to help Trey drive back home tomorrow.

O God, help me! O friends...pray for me. Pray for me and Trey. I know, in my heart of hearts, that everything is going to be ok. I know that God is going to take care of us. And I know that this whole ordeal is something we'll look back on and laugh. Like, the parent's who tell you about their first years of marriage on a shoe-string budget. I hope we can chuckle about this the way they do. I hope that we look into each other's eyes and remember these days with the kind of romantic magic I always feel when older couples share these kinds of stories. I know going through the fire makes you stronger and all I can do is cling to my Jesus.

Believe it or not, I am relieved to not be pregnant or have a baby right now. I know, right?

quick update

Well...after trials of many kinds...we're here in North Carolina.

I have to say, I'm doing much better than I thought I would be. Though we haven't actually gotten to stay in it yet...I do really like our new place. Now if the dern movers would just get here!

I haven't actually started working yet because the church is giving me some time to get our stuff together, but Trey has been working and I've been here everyday (what else am I going to do?). I am enjoying getting to hang out with him and being in meetings and such.

Ok now people are coming in the office and distracting me so that's all for now. I'll try to start updating more once we get settled and I can settle my brain as well.

Dump

I am exhausted.

I have so much going on in my head right now that I keep having to run and look at my list(s) because I feel like I'm forgetting something. And of course, every time I look at my list I see that I am not forgetting anything...I just have a lot of time-sensitive stuff to do that I can't actually do yet. And it keeps happening over and over again.

I carry a little notebook around with me. Well...actually...I carry: my journal, a planner (that I really just use as a daily "to-do" list, a tiny notebook to write anything I think I need to remember, and my phone with my master schedule, several lists and yet another to-do list. Scary right? And I am constantly pulling out one thing or another and checking to make sure I'm on the right track, or adding things to my lists and what not. I am like a crazy person.

As much as the thought of moving has brought stress into my life, I also feel a sense of relief when I think about it now. I guess I feel like, if we can just get moved, that I can relax. I can settle into a routine and I can form a schedule that doesn't get completely ignored.

I'm looking forward to making my schedule and planning out my days. I know some people can't live that way, but I love it. When life stresses me out, it helps me to plan and to make lists. I guess it's because it is something I can control when my world is out of control.

So it's bittersweet, this moving thing. I still can't decide how I feel.

We're moving

...in a week. We're moving in a week. We're moving in a week. No matter how I say it, I can't seem to get it to sink in.

Most of our stuff is packed. There are boxes everywhere and the walls are bare. The apartment looks a lot like it did when we first moved in. Except there are more boxes. I guess we have accumulated some stuff in the past year.

Honestly, I've been packing and thinking about our new place and planning and taking care of business, but I just can't seem to get it in my head that we are actually moving. Though, looking back, I think I've pretty much felt this way about all the moves in my life so maybe this is the normal response. At least, normal for me. If that be the case, I have about 6 days before it hits me and I freak out. Like, when they are loading all my stuff into a truck.

I can't say that I'm not excited. At least a part of me is excited about the whole directing a 247/working with Trey/starting a new chapter in our life thing. The bigger part of me just seems to be in denial. Fun. I know in my head that moving is a normal part of life (well, normal for me) and that everything will be ok and we'll settle into our new lives and we'll get used to it. But my stomach doesn't seem to agree with my head and it keeps reminding me by shifting uneasily. Oh the joy.

Well, I guess it's too late now though. We're moving and that's all there is to it. And it'll be fine. It might even be great. If I can just get past that "Eeep" I know it will all be great.

Trey Speaks Again

Wanna hear some more Trey-poetry?

We're freakin' awesome,
We live in a tree.
Down down down,
By the big big bee!
We're freakin' awesome,
And we have. to. pee!

I love my life.

#19--Try Sushi

I didn't NOT like it. That's all I really know to say. It was such a different experience than anything I've ever tasted that I can't really compare it to anything.

The pastors of the church that we are going to be working at love sushi so, while having lunch with them, I decided to try a piece--you know, for life list purposes.

I think it is something I'll have to grow into.

Anti-Climactic Update

So, if you don't know, Trey and I are moving.

Over the past several months we have been in talks with a church in North Carolina about moving up there to start a 24/7 internship program. Last week we flew up for a second interview and were offered the job.

Trey will be working full time as the director and I will be working part time as his assistant.

We're excited, nervous and all the other emotions that go with moving and big life changes.

I might not be around the blog much for awhile (o biiiiigg change, right?) because we are moving in 3 weeks (the day after Easter) and I've got a lot to do. I just finished a loose schedule for us over the next few weeks and between all the packing and regular activities and crazy things-that-you-never-think-about, our schedule is full and bursting at the seams.

So...I may not have time to write. I have been journaling and I hope that someday I can look back at all this and think about the "good ol' days."

Until then, please pray for everything to go smoothly for us as we make this big transition.

Love,
Lauren

Bits

Blogging has become increasingly difficult for me. I want to get on here and write, but I have nothing to say. I want to describe everything that is going on in our lives, but I'm waiting until things settle a bit.

Another thing that has led me to blog less, is that I have really picked up journaling again. There are some things you just dont want to post on a blog and some things that just cannot be expressed through type. But, in the interest of my blog not traveling to the wasteland where un-used blogs go to take up internet space, here are a few snippets.
Trey and I are doing fabulous. We went through a rough time with the loss of his job in the fall and money issues were tearing me apart. Money isn't really any better than it was but God has been providing for us so much and we have been making it through. Well, better than just "making it through." I find myself loving Trey more and more everyday, which I had heard of but never understood. I feel like we have recaptured our newlywed feeling even as we approach our one year anniversary (!). We just have so much fun together that I can't imagine being happier right now.
We leave for North Carolina again tomorrow. We are flying this time which should be fun and we are having a rental car--first time for both of us so that is something we are excited about too. We are only staying a very short time and will be back by Thursday evening but we are hoping to get some more clarity during this trip and really be sure about our next step.
One of my favorite things to happen recently was the birth of our niece, Lily. She wasn't expected till the 14th and my SIL, Kassie, was going to be induced this Wednesday (while we were out of town, boo.) However, Lily had other plans and made her entrance in the wee minutes of this past Thursday morning. She is a perfect 6lbs 3 oz, 19 inches long. Some people say all babies are cute. This blanket statement does not always apply to newborns as they often come out, well, looking like little squished aliens. But people? Let me tell you, little Lily has been beautiful since the beginning.See? And this picture was from her birthday. For now I'm her only aunt so I'm pretty sure that makes me a shoe-in for favorite:D

I can't wait to see her again already. She didn't do wonders for my biological clock, but I think I'm closing in on Trey;)

*thu-thump*

#79--Learn to Crochet

Sorry it's been so long. First of all I'd like to say: we're headin' to North Carolina again! Well be leaving the week after next so please keep us in your prayers again.

And now...Trey got me a book for Valentines day to crochet cute little animals. So of course I had to tackle item # 79 so I could start making some. And...I've still got progress to make but here is what I've got so far:
Trey wanted the hedgehog. It came out WAY bigger than I planned so I might try again...


Then I made a Moxie. I actually understood the concept enough this time to modify the pattern--like, a lot--so really I take full credit for this. Haha. I'm pretty proud of here even if she does look a little wonky. And that purse is my very favorite purse ever by the way. I love it. That little tidbit was free.


Moxie just *loves* her look-a-like. Can't you tell?

Insomnia

Last night I couldn't sleep. I don't know if it was the soy chai I had at work or what but I just couldn't sleep, even though I was exhausted from my long day of work.

So I was laying in bed trying not to wake Trey and, as I often do, I started a list on my phone:

I am:

A lover
A fighter
The "cute" one
Funny
A thinker
A planner
A daydreamer
Sentimental
A minimalist
Organized
A lover of lists
A poet
Easily adaptable
Always changing
A cat owner
A Christian
Adopted
A wife (!)
A daughter
A blogger
A wannabe foodie
A creator
A child
A woman
A sister
A worrier
Responsible
Concerned with health and fitness
Soft clay
Willing to change
An ex-emotional girl
Frugal

And so many other things, but in the interest of me doing something but try to think of things I am all day, just the list I wrote last night will suffice.

Coincidentally, today in the book I'm reading, it was talking about us, as women, trying to find our identity amidst all the hats we sometimes wear. And I'm like, "Self, was I identity-searching last night?" We may never know.

Anyway, that's my tidbit for the day.

Bathroom

I am exhausted. I think I'm still recovering from our trip, but I also took on an internet project that is really taking it out of me. More on that when I finish it...like in a year. Just kidding, it will be sooner than that, haha.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and say that this:

Cant remember where I found this...

is the most fabulous bathroom I have ever seen. I want.