Baby Thoughts

What is going on with me?

I'm not exactly sure how I came to find it but I have spent the better part of the last two days reading a blog about a pregnant woman expecting her first child. The site is becomingsarah.com and I have not been able to "put it down." She can be a bit crude but she is an excellent writer. (Mom if you read this don't even look at it. You wont like her language. I've been trying to look past it...)I know I'm not ready to have a baby. I'm not even ready to start thinking about preparing to be pregnant, but now I can't stop thinking about it. The funny thing is, her blog makes pregnancy sound frightening! She addresses so many things that I had NO CLUE about. So why does this appeal pregnancy to me? Ack! The only reason I can come up with is that it feels like the first honest account I have ever heard of pregnancy.

My brother and I were both adopted and put that together with the fact that by the time I was born all my parents friends were too old to have babies and all my close relatives lived far away results in the fact that I know next to nothing about pregnancy. I think I grew up with the idea in my head that pregnancy basically consisted of being fat and the eventual enterance of a baby. LITTLE DID I KNOW! It has just been over the past few years really that I have begun to learn the bare facts. And let me tell you: it scares me to death! Sounds disgusting, painful, uncomfortable and all around horrid. Add that to me being unsure if I will even be a fit parent (seeing my current distaste for children) and you get total avoidence of the whole subject all together. So why, o WHY, can I not stop thinking about it? I am just now three months into being married and that means three months into what (I consider) an appropriate envoirnment for being pregnant, so part of this probably has to do with the fact that procreation is now a possibility in my life.

Sigh...All I know is that I am NOT READY. I think being pregnant would be fun(maybe..?) but I'm not ready for no sleep and my life not belonging to me. Someday maybe but not now. ANYway...all that to say: some very good and HONEST reading to be found at Becoming Sarah.
And for now...reading is as close as I'm gonna get.

Lauren